WRITING

New Yorker

 

Compelling Reasons to Return to Office

 

Other Jobs That Need Term Limits

McSweeney's

 

We Need a New York City Mayor Who Will Take Mom to the Cloisters When She Visits

 

We're Acquiring Your Company, But Don't Worry, It'll Be Weeks Before You're Laid Off

 

I Am a Disappointed Biden Voter Who Was Told He'd Immediately Implement Communist Rule

 

There's an 89% Chance Tomorrow is Partly Cloudy, and a 10% Chance of Endless Hellfire

 

Donald Trump or e.e. cummings?

 

Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation is as Disruptive as it is Groundbreaking

I Have to Cancel Our Meeting Because the Notion of Deviating Even Slightly From My Daily Routine Makes Me Feel Overwhelmed and Anxious

We Need a Republican Nominee Whose Disdain for Marginalized People is Less Obvious

I Can't Imagine Why a White Nationalist With My Politics Would Do Such a Thing

We Can't Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing in Anything

Please Consider My Application to Give You Labor So I Can Stay Alive

It's My Human Right to Never Experience Consequences

If We're Doing Identity Politics, Can We Please Elect a President Named "Tammy?"

To Make It As An Artist, I Recommend Having Unlimited Time and Money

I'm Running in 2020, But I Must Admit, Even I Don't Know Which White Guy I Am

How Can I Help to Promote Diversity Without Relinquishing Any of My Power?

Our Friendship is Transitioning to a Paid Subscription Model

We Won?

My Absentee Ballot for Thanksgiving Dinner

We've Reached a New Low, Although I'm Not Gonna Specify Who's Responsible

I'm Quitting Facebook, Except for All the Parts I Currently Use

What to Do If You're Caught Trying

The Time Has Come to Reconcile with the Honeydew Wedge

Reductress

Incredible! This Woman Resisted a Man's Charms Even Though He Kept Repeating Her First Name in His Texts

 

REPORT: Remote Work Leads to Drop in Gentle Little Kisses When You Do a Good Job

 

CDC Hopes People Keep Talking to Them Even After the Pandemic

 

6 Places We're Visiting as Soon as the Pandemic Ends So We Can Try to Get the Next One Going

 

How to Argue for Permanent Work-From-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation

Fun! Woman Posts Snow Day Pic Before Spending 9 Hours Filling Out Excel Sheets

Senate Enters Bitter Confirmation Battle About Whether "Driver's License" is a Bop

Uh Oh: AOC Just Went Live to Talk About Why You Haven't Gotten Your Shit Together

Biden Assures Nation He'll Send $2,000 Stimulus as Soon as His Direct Deposit Hits

 

5 Empathetic Caveats to Use Before Talking Shit About Someone

 

How to Break it to Him That All 5 of Your 'Freebies' are Muppets

 

Biden Transition Team to Replace Inaugural Parade with Sad Zoom Game Night

 

I'm Voting for Joe Biden Because I Want to Hate the President a Normal Amount

 

Ellen to Go on 'Ellen' to Rehabilitate Her Image

 

Personal Crisis Relaxing Reprieve From Global Crisis

How to Pretend You're Masturbating More Than Before (Headline)

6 Potential Female Oscar Hosts Who Were Passed Over in Favor of No One

How to Have a Fun Night Even Though Costco Closed at 6

Whoops! Everyone in Meeting Zoned Out Because They're Thinking of Getting Laser Hair Removal

How to Make Everyone Think You're Interesting By Wearing Maroon Pants

What I Do in the Bedroom Stays Between Me and My Night Terror Hallucinations

Goals! This Consulting Firm Achieved Gender Parity Because 100% of Assistants Are Women

Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying if You Unpack What I Just Said

Hard Drive

Bishop Zips Across Chess Board Outta Fuckin Nowhere

 

Yoshi Game Just a Little Too Obviously for Children

 

Couple Tearfully Agrees It's Time to Main Other People

 

Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th

 

Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

Realm's Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar

Game Can't Help But Hear 'Continue?' Every Day When Waking Up

Shitty Mobile Game Ad More Fun than Shitty Mobile Game It Interrupted

Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game

RPG Quests Distract Player From Hours of Riveting Menu Gameplay

Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

 

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

Cooking Papa Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level

Useless NPC Shares Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything

Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool

3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate

Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game

Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game with More Game

HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss

Gamer Who Used Wiki for Every Quest Praises RPG’s Spirit of Exploration

Autosave Doesn’t Feel As Good as the Real Thing

Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible with His Exes

Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart

Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions

Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion

Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller

5th Friend Who “Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play” Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon

Amiibo Seen Things

Functionally Dead

 

Preachy Infographics About Actual Corporate Missions

There's One More

 

I'm not allowed to talk about it publicly but I've written one more headline that I'm proud of for a very funny outlet, I promise!