Writing

New Yorker

Just a Heads-Up That I'm Running Late Because of the Deterministic Nature of the Universe

O.K., But Would You Still Be Vegan in These Scenarios Which I Just Made Up?

McSweeney's

Insurance Providers Are Now Required to Cover the Costs of At-Home COVID Tests for Any American Clever Enough to Navigate the Labyrinth of Terrors

Here's Why You're Wrong for Supporting Either In-Person or Virtual School

This Study Has Found Literally Every Activity You Love is Statistically Certain to Kill You

How Could You Erase 20 Years of Progress By Removing That Last Jenga Block?

We Need a New York City Mayor Who Will Take Mom to the Cloisters When She Visits

We're Acquiring Your Company, But Don't Worry, It'll Be Weeks Before You're Laid Off

I Am a Disappointed Biden Voter Who Was Told He'd Immediately Implement Communist Rule

There's an 89% Chance Tomorrow is Partly Cloudy, and a 10% Chance of Endless Hellfire

Donald Trump or e.e. cummings?

Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation is as Disruptive as it is Groundbreaking

I Have to Cancel Our Meeting Because the Notion of Deviating Even Slightly From My Daily Routine Makes Me Feel Overwhelmed and Anxious

We Need a Republican Nominee Whose Disdain for Marginalized People is Less Obvious

I Can't Imagine Why a White Nationalist With My Politics Would Do Such a Thing

We Can't Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing in Anything

Please Consider My Application to Give You Labor So I Can Stay Alive

It's My Human Right to Never Experience Consequences

If We're Doing Identity Politics, Can We Please Elect a President Named "Tammy?"

To Make It As An Artist, I Recommend Having Unlimited Time and Money

I'm Running in 2020, But I Must Admit, Even I Don't Know Which White Guy I Am

How Can I Help to Promote Diversity Without Relinquishing Any of My Power?

Our Friendship is Transitioning to a Paid Subscription Model

We Won?

My Absentee Ballot for Thanksgiving Dinner

We've Reached a New Low, Although I'm Not Gonna Specify Who's Responsible

I'm Quitting Facebook, Except for All the Parts I Currently Use

What to Do If You're Caught Trying

The Time Has Come to Reconcile with the Honeydew Wedge

Reductress

6 Hats to Wear If You Want People to Go "Damn, That Girl's Wearing a Lot of Hats"

Man Pretty Sure He's the First Guy to Come Up With Growing a Mustache

Incredible! This Woman Resisted a Man's Charms Even Though He Kept Repeating Her First Name in His Texts

REPORT: Remote Work Leads to Drop in Gentle Little Kisses When You Do a Good Job

CDC Hopes People Keep Talking to Them Even After the Pandemic

6 Places We're Visiting as Soon as the Pandemic Ends So We Can Try to Get the Next One Going

How to Argue for Permanent Work-From-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation

Fun! Woman Posts Snow Day Pic Before Spending 9 Hours Filling Out Excel Sheets

Senate Enters Bitter Confirmation Battle About Whether "Driver's License" is a Bop

Uh Oh: AOC Just Went Live to Talk About Why You Haven't Gotten Your Shit Together

Biden Assures Nation He'll Send $2,000 Stimulus as Soon as His Direct Deposit Hits

5 Empathetic Caveats to Use Before Talking Shit About Someone

How to Break it to Him That All 5 of Your 'Freebies' are Muppets

Biden Transition Team to Replace Inaugural Parade with Sad Zoom Game Night

I'm Voting for Joe Biden Because I Want to Hate the President a Normal Amount

Ellen to Go on 'Ellen' to Rehabilitate Her Image

Personal Crisis Relaxing Reprieve From Global Crisis

How to Pretend You're Masturbating More Than Before (Headline)

6 Potential Female Oscar Hosts Who Were Passed Over in Favor of No One

How to Have a Fun Night Even Though Costco Closed at 6

Whoops! Everyone in Meeting Zoned Out Because They're Thinking of Getting Laser Hair Removal

How to Make Everyone Think You're Interesting By Wearing Maroon Pants

What I Do in the Bedroom Stays Between Me and My Night Terror Hallucinations

Goals! This Consulting Firm Achieved Gender Parity Because 100% of Assistants Are Women

Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying if You Unpack What I Just Said

Hard Drive

Blinding White Bandai Namco Logo Closest Thing to Sunlight Elden Ring Player Has Seen in Weeks

Catholic Kid CONFIRMED???

Mario's Friends Surprise Him with Same Party They've Thrown Every Year Since 1998

You Can't Read this Article Yet. Come Back After You've Completed Your Work Missions

Everyone Silently Agrees to Ignore Friend's YouTube History as They Pull Up Video on TV

Unclear What Dad Thinking About as He Stops Walking Through Living Room to Silently Watch You Play Assassin's Creed for Like 15 Minutes

Female Character's Pants Have No Inventory Slots

Esports Champion Announces He's Goin' to Kingdom Hearts

Bishop Zips Across Chess Board Outta Fuckin Nowhere

Yoshi Game Just a Little Too Obviously for Children

Couple Tearfully Agrees It's Time to Main Other People

Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th

Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

Realm's Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar

Game Can't Help But Hear 'Continue?' Every Day When Waking Up

Shitty Mobile Game Ad More Fun than Shitty Mobile Game It Interrupted

Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game

RPG Quests Distract Player From Hours of Riveting Menu Gameplay

Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

Cooking Papa Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level

Useless NPC Shares Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything

Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool

3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate

Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game

Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game with More Game

HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss

Gamer Who Used Wiki for Every Quest Praises RPG’s Spirit of Exploration

Autosave Doesn’t Feel As Good as the Real Thing

Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible with His Exes

Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart

Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions

Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion

Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller

5th Friend Who “Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play” Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon

Amiibo Seen Things

Minus World

The Best Time to Bring Back Guitar Hero Was During Quarantine. The Second Best Time is Right Now

Cloud Gaming Will Open the Door for New Frontiers, Like Gaming Becoming as Dogshit an Experience as Streaming

Hard Money

OIL EXECS EXPLAIN TO CONGRESS THEY CAN'T LOWER GAS PRICES BECAUSE THE MARKET DETERMINES HOW CARTOONISHLY EVIL THEY GET TO BE

Functionally Dead

Preachy Infographics About Actual Corporate Missions

There's One More

I'm not allowed to talk about it publicly but I've written one more headline that I'm proud of for a very funny outlet, I promise!

CHANDLER DEAN

WRITING