New Yorker

 

The Secret to Wealth is Giving Up Pointless Expenses (And Other Lessons From My Twenty-Eight Dollar Book)

 

Just a Heads-Up That I'm Running Late Because of the Deterministic Nature of the Universe

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O.K., But Would You Still Be Vegan in These Scenarios Which I Just Made Up?

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Compelling Reasons to Return to Office

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Other Jobs That Need Term Limits

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McSweeney's

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 COLUMN: How to Write Every Speech You'll Ever Need to Give in Your Life

 

My Inner Monologue When I Listen to Live Jazz

 

If I Emailed My Parents Like Democrats Email Me​​

 

Here's Why You're Wrong for Supporting In-Person or Virtual School

 

The Time Has Come for Republicans to Take a Long Look in the Mirror and Keep Doing the Same Thing

 

The Biden Administration is Rigging the Midterms By Giving Voters What They Want

 

I Support Unions, But They're Just Not the Right Fit for the Company I Happen to Own

 

Insurance Providers Are Now Required to Cover the Costs of At-Home COVID Tests for Any American Clever Enough to Navigate the Labyrinth of Terrors

 

Here's Why You're Wrong for Supporting Either In-Person or Virtual School

 

This Study Has Found Literally Every Activity You Love is Statistically Certain to Kill You

 

How Could You Erase 20 Years of Progress By Removing That Last Jenga Block?

 

We Need a New York City Mayor Who Will Take Mom to the Cloisters When She Visits

 

We're Acquiring Your Company, But Don't Worry, It'll Be Weeks Before You're Laid Off

 

I Am a Disappointed Biden Voter Who Was Told He'd Immediately Implement Communist Rule

 

There's an 89% Chance Tomorrow is Partly Cloudy, and a 10% Chance of Endless Hellfire

 

Donald Trump or e.e. cummings?

 

Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation is as Disruptive as it is Groundbreaking

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I Have to Cancel Our Meeting Because the Notion of Deviating Even Slightly From My Daily Routine Makes Me Feel Overwhelmed and Anxious

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We Need a Republican Nominee Whose Disdain for Marginalized People is Less Obvious

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I Can't Imagine Why a White Nationalist With My Politics Would Do Such a Thing

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We Can't Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing in Anything

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Please Consider My Application to Give You Labor So I Can Stay Alive

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It's My Human Right to Never Experience Consequences

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If We're Doing Identity Politics, Can We Please Elect a President Named "Tammy?"

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To Make It As An Artist, I Recommend Having Unlimited Time and Money

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I'm Running in 2020, But I Must Admit, Even I Don't Know Which White Guy I Am

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How Can I Help to Promote Diversity Without Relinquishing Any of My Power?

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Our Friendship is Transitioning to a Paid Subscription Model

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We Won?

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My Absentee Ballot for Thanksgiving Dinner

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We've Reached a New Low, Although I'm Not Gonna Specify Who's Responsible

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I'm Quitting Facebook, Except for All the Parts I Currently Use

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What to Do If You're Caught Trying

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The Time Has Come to Reconcile with the Honeydew Wedge

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Reductress

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6 Hats to Wear If You Want People to Go "Damn, That Girl's Wearing a Lot of Hats"

 

Man Pretty Sure He's the First Guy to Come Up With Growing a Mustache

 

Incredible! This Woman Resisted a Man's Charms Even Though He Kept Repeating Her First Name in His Texts

 

REPORT: Remote Work Leads to Drop in Gentle Little Kisses When You Do a Good Job

 

CDC Hopes People Keep Talking to Them Even After the Pandemic

 

6 Places We're Visiting as Soon as the Pandemic Ends So We Can Try to Get the Next One Going

 

How to Argue for Permanent Work-From-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation

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Fun! Woman Posts Snow Day Pic Before Spending 9 Hours Filling Out Excel Sheets

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Senate Enters Bitter Confirmation Battle About Whether "Driver's License" is a Bop

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Uh Oh: AOC Just Went Live to Talk About Why You Haven't Gotten Your Shit Together

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Biden Assures Nation He'll Send $2,000 Stimulus as Soon as His Direct Deposit Hits

 

5 Empathetic Caveats to Use Before Talking Shit About Someone

 

How to Break it to Him That All 5 of Your 'Freebies' are Muppets

 

Biden Transition Team to Replace Inaugural Parade with Sad Zoom Game Night

 

I'm Voting for Joe Biden Because I Want to Hate the President a Normal Amount

 

Ellen to Go on 'Ellen' to Rehabilitate Her Image

 

Personal Crisis Relaxing Reprieve From Global Crisis

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How to Pretend You're Masturbating More Than Before (Headline)

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6 Potential Female Oscar Hosts Who Were Passed Over in Favor of No One

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How to Have a Fun Night Even Though Costco Closed at 6

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Whoops! Everyone in Meeting Zoned Out Because They're Thinking of Getting Laser Hair Removal

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How to Make Everyone Think You're Interesting By Wearing Maroon Pants

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What I Do in the Bedroom Stays Between Me and My Night Terror Hallucinations

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Goals! This Consulting Firm Achieved Gender Parity Because 100% of Assistants Are Women

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Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying if You Unpack What I Just Said

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Hard Drive

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Nintendo Fan Furious That "Tears of the Kingdom" Might Be a Rehash of the Greatest Game of All Time

 

Blinding White Bandai Namco Logo Closest Thing to Sunlight Elden Ring Player Has Seen in Weeks

 

Catholic Kid CONFIRMED???

 

Mario's Friends Surprise Him with Same Party They've Thrown Every Year Since 1998

 

You Can't Read this Article Yet. Come Back After You've Completed Your Work Missions

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Everyone Silently Agrees to Ignore Friend's YouTube History as They Pull Up Video on TV

 

Unclear What Dad Thinking About as He Stops Walking Through Living Room to Silently Watch You Play Assassin's Creed for Like 15 Minutes

 

Female Character's Pants Have No Inventory Slots

 

Esports Champion Announces He's Goin' to Kingdom Hearts

 

Bishop Zips Across Chess Board Outta Fuckin Nowhere

 

Yoshi Game Just a Little Too Obviously for Children

 

Couple Tearfully Agrees It's Time to Main Other People

 

Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th

 

Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store

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Realm's Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar

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Game Can't Help But Hear 'Continue?' Every Day When Waking Up

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Shitty Mobile Game Ad More Fun than Shitty Mobile Game It Interrupted

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Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game

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RPG Quests Distract Player From Hours of Riveting Menu Gameplay

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Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included

 

Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level

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Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses

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Cooking Papa Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level

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Useless NPC Shares Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything

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Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool

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3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate

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Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game

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Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game with More Game

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HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss

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Gamer Who Used Wiki for Every Quest Praises RPG’s Spirit of Exploration

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Autosave Doesn’t Feel As Good as the Real Thing

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Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible with His Exes

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Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart

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Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions

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Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion

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Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller

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5th Friend Who “Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play” Awarded Nobel Peace Prize

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So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon

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Amiibo Seen Things

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Minus World

 

8 Gaming Executives Who Make Over $4,000 an Hour and Can't Even Do a Sexy Bayonetta Voice

 

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Is In Its Flop Era. But Then Again, So Is The Planet

 

The Best Time to Bring Back Guitar Hero Was During Quarantine. The Second Best Time is Right Now

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Cloud Gaming Will Open the Door for New Frontiers, Like Gaming Becoming as Dogshit an Experience as Streaming

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Functionally Dead

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Democrats Will Defend Your Rights as Soon as You Give Us an Unspecified Amount of Additional Power

 

Preachy Infographics About Actual Corporate Missions

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Points in Case

 

Welcome to Trivia Night, Where You Will Be Punished for Living a Well-Rounded, Normal Life​​

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