WRITING
New Yorker
Other Jobs That Need Term Limits
McSweeney's
Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation is as Disruptive as it is Groundbreaking
We Need a Republican Nominee Whose Disdain for Marginalized People is Less Obvious
I Can't Imagine Why a White Nationalist With My Politics Would Do Such a Thing
We Can't Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing in Anything
Please Consider My Application to Give You Labor So I Can Stay Alive
It's My Human Right to Never Experience Consequences
If We're Doing Identity Politics, Can We Please Elect a President Named "Tammy?"
To Make It As An Artist, I Recommend Having Unlimited Time and Money
I'm Running in 2020, But I Must Admit, Even I Don't Know Which White Guy I Am
How Can I Help to Promote Diversity Without Relinquishing Any of My Power?
Our Friendship is Transitioning to a Paid Subscription Model
My Absentee Ballot for Thanksgiving Dinner
We've Reached a New Low, Although I'm Not Gonna Specify Who's Responsible
I'm Quitting Facebook, Except for All the Parts I Currently Use
What to Do If You're Caught Trying
The Time Has Come to Reconcile with the Honeydew Wedge
Reductress
Personal Crisis Relaxing Reprieve From Global Crisis
How to Pretend You're Masturbating More Than Before (Headline)
6 Potential Female Oscar Hosts Who Were Passed Over in Favor of No One
How to Have a Fun Night Even Though Costco Closed at 6
Whoops! Everyone in Meeting Zoned Out Because They're Thinking of Getting Laser Hair Removal
How to Make Everyone Think You're Interesting By Wearing Maroon Pants
What I Do in the Bedroom Stays Between Me and My Night Terror Hallucinations
Goals! This Consulting Firm Achieved Gender Parity Because 100% of Assistants Are Women
Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying if You Unpack What I Just Said
Hard Drive
Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included
Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level
Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses
Cooking Papa Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level
Useless NPC Shares Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything
Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool
3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate
Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game
Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game with More Game
HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss
Gamer Who Used Wiki for Every Quest Praises RPG’s Spirit of Exploration
Autosave Doesn’t Feel As Good as the Real Thing
Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible with His Exes
Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart
Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions
Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion
Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller
5th Friend Who “Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play” Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon