WRITING
New Yorker
Just a Heads-Up That I'm Running Late Because of the Deterministic Nature of the Universe
O.K., But Would You Still Be Vegan in These Scenarios Which I Just Made Up?
Compelling Reasons to Return to Office
Other Jobs That Need Term Limits
McSweeney's
If I Emailed My Parents Like Democrats Email Me
Here's Why You're Wrong for Supporting In-Person or Virtual School
The Time Has Come for Republicans to Take a Long Look in the Mirror and Keep Doing the Same Thing
The Biden Administration is Rigging the Midterms By Giving Voters What They Want
I Support Unions, But They're Just Not the Right Fit for the Company I Happen to Own
Here's Why You're Wrong for Supporting Either In-Person or Virtual School
This Study Has Found Literally Every Activity You Love is Statistically Certain to Kill You
How Could You Erase 20 Years of Progress By Removing That Last Jenga Block?
We Need a New York City Mayor Who Will Take Mom to the Cloisters When She Visits
We're Acquiring Your Company, But Don't Worry, It'll Be Weeks Before You're Laid Off
I Am a Disappointed Biden Voter Who Was Told He'd Immediately Implement Communist Rule
There's an 89% Chance Tomorrow is Partly Cloudy, and a 10% Chance of Endless Hellfire
Donald Trump or e.e. cummings?
Now More Than Ever, the Future of Innovation is as Disruptive as it is Groundbreaking
We Need a Republican Nominee Whose Disdain for Marginalized People is Less Obvious
I Can't Imagine Why a White Nationalist With My Politics Would Do Such a Thing
We Can't Risk Losing to Donald Trump By Believing in Anything
Please Consider My Application to Give You Labor So I Can Stay Alive
It's My Human Right to Never Experience Consequences
If We're Doing Identity Politics, Can We Please Elect a President Named "Tammy?"
To Make It As An Artist, I Recommend Having Unlimited Time and Money
I'm Running in 2020, But I Must Admit, Even I Don't Know Which White Guy I Am
How Can I Help to Promote Diversity Without Relinquishing Any of My Power?
Our Friendship is Transitioning to a Paid Subscription Model
My Absentee Ballot for Thanksgiving Dinner
We've Reached a New Low, Although I'm Not Gonna Specify Who's Responsible
I'm Quitting Facebook, Except for All the Parts I Currently Use
What to Do If You're Caught Trying
The Time Has Come to Reconcile with the Honeydew Wedge
Reductress
6 Hats to Wear If You Want People to Go "Damn, That Girl's Wearing a Lot of Hats"
Man Pretty Sure He's the First Guy to Come Up With Growing a Mustache
REPORT: Remote Work Leads to Drop in Gentle Little Kisses When You Do a Good Job
CDC Hopes People Keep Talking to Them Even After the Pandemic
6 Places We're Visiting as Soon as the Pandemic Ends So We Can Try to Get the Next One Going
How to Argue for Permanent Work-From-Home Without Mentioning Masturbation
Fun! Woman Posts Snow Day Pic Before Spending 9 Hours Filling Out Excel Sheets
Senate Enters Bitter Confirmation Battle About Whether "Driver's License" is a Bop
Uh Oh: AOC Just Went Live to Talk About Why You Haven't Gotten Your Shit Together
Biden Assures Nation He'll Send $2,000 Stimulus as Soon as His Direct Deposit Hits
5 Empathetic Caveats to Use Before Talking Shit About Someone
How to Break it to Him That All 5 of Your 'Freebies' are Muppets
Biden Transition Team to Replace Inaugural Parade with Sad Zoom Game Night
I'm Voting for Joe Biden Because I Want to Hate the President a Normal Amount
Ellen to Go on 'Ellen' to Rehabilitate Her Image
Personal Crisis Relaxing Reprieve From Global Crisis
How to Pretend You're Masturbating More Than Before (Headline)
6 Potential Female Oscar Hosts Who Were Passed Over in Favor of No One
How to Have a Fun Night Even Though Costco Closed at 6
Whoops! Everyone in Meeting Zoned Out Because They're Thinking of Getting Laser Hair Removal
How to Make Everyone Think You're Interesting By Wearing Maroon Pants
What I Do in the Bedroom Stays Between Me and My Night Terror Hallucinations
Goals! This Consulting Firm Achieved Gender Parity Because 100% of Assistants Are Women
Lizzo is My Spirit Animal, and I Will Start Crying if You Unpack What I Just Said
Hard Drive
Blinding White Bandai Namco Logo Closest Thing to Sunlight Elden Ring Player Has Seen in Weeks
Mario's Friends Surprise Him with Same Party They've Thrown Every Year Since 1998
You Can't Read this Article Yet. Come Back After You've Completed Your Work Missions
Everyone Silently Agrees to Ignore Friend's YouTube History as They Pull Up Video on TV
Female Character's Pants Have No Inventory Slots
Esports Champion Announces He's Goin' to Kingdom Hearts
Bishop Zips Across Chess Board Outta Fuckin Nowhere
Yoshi Game Just a Little Too Obviously for Children
Couple Tearfully Agrees It's Time to Main Other People
Pandemic to Auto-Renew on March 12th
Boyfriend Takes -7 Environmental Damage Per Second on Mission to Grocery Store
Realm's Chosen Savior Agonizing at Lair Entrance Whether to Drop Broadsword or Scimitar
Game Can't Help But Hear 'Continue?' Every Day When Waking Up
Shitty Mobile Game Ad More Fun than Shitty Mobile Game It Interrupted
Ad Making Offensive Insinuation About What You Want to Do in This Game
RPG Quests Distract Player From Hours of Riveting Menu Gameplay
Triangle Button Just Happy to Be Included
Police Department Assigns Peaceful Protestors Automatic Five-Star Wanted Level
Animal Crossing Themed Switch Controller Disappears in Puff of Smoke After 10 Uses
Cooking Papa Doesn’t Tell You Good Job After Completing Level
Useless NPC Shares Personal Story That’s Not Even a Clue or Anything
Nearly Unusable Controller Still in Rotation Because It Looks Cool
3DS Charger Really Making Drawer a Nightmare to Navigate
Unintuitive Controls Convenient Excuse for Sucking Real Bad at Game
Game Rewards Gamer for Finishing Game with More Game
HDMI Cord Seemingly Connected to the Abyss
Gamer Who Used Wiki for Every Quest Praises RPG’s Spirit of Exploration
Autosave Doesn’t Feel As Good as the Real Thing
Woman Not Excited to Discover Boyfriend Backwards-Compatible with His Exes
Local Dullard Chooses Mario in Mario Kart
Shitty Ass Video Doesn’t Have Goddamn Captions
Wii U Keeps Insisting Nintendo Consoles Have Big Reunion
Xbox Player Making Whole Performance Out of Adjusting to PS4 Controller
5th Friend Who “Doesn’t Mind Watching Everyone Else Play” Awarded Nobel Peace Prize
So-Called Atheist Still Holds Down B While Catching Pokémon
Minus World
8 Gaming Executives Who Make Over $4,000 an Hour and Can't Even Do a Sexy Bayonetta Voice
The Marvel Cinematic Universe Is In Its Flop Era. But Then Again, So Is The Planet
The Best Time to Bring Back Guitar Hero Was During Quarantine. The Second Best Time is Right Now
Hard Money
Functionally Dead
Democrats Will Defend Your Rights as Soon as You Give Us an Unspecified Amount of Additional Power
Preachy Infographics About Actual Corporate Missions
There's One More
I'm not allowed to talk about it publicly but I've written one more headline that I'm proud of for a very funny outlet, I promise!